Makes the Blood Boyle

So it would appear that Britain's Got Talent front-runner Susan Boyle is the most famous woman on the planet right now. The saga of the Scottish singer - who apparently has 'never been kissed' - has made for "brilliant television," according to mentor Simon Cowell (i.e. completely staged and nothing whatsoever to do with real music).

In aiming to secure a spot on this year's bill at the Royal Variety Performance, Boyle's fame has spread across the globe quicker than swine flu, thanks to Youtube clips and internet forums - and for the fact that NO-one expected such wonderful sounds to come from that face. That sounds a little harsh perhaps, I know, but there isn't a person out there who can deny that they were expecting a Miserable Les, as opposed to Les Miserable.

But good luck to her, she's alright in my book. Cowell will stitch her up at some point like the **** he is, but let her ride the wave while it's there. However, forget appearances on Oprah, Larry King or potentially in front of the Royal Family, Boyle's greatest achievement is surely that she has just been referenced on The Simpsons.

Entering the Springfield's Got Talent contest hosted by Simon Cowell, Homer Simpson announces, "I'm 39 years old and, well, I've never been kissed," before adding: "My dream is to be a great singer like Susan Boyle."

Genius. Pure genius. Boyle can die a happy, un-kissed woman - she's just been aspired to by the Greatest Philosopher of the Modern Day.

But let us not become too carried away with this brief tangent, for Homer Simpson is, after all, a rock 'n' roller in the truest sense: too wild for Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Lenny Kravitz, Tom Petty and Elvis Costello at Rock-and-Roll Fantasy Camp; freaking out "squares" with Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl'; a stout lover of Steve Miller's 'The Joker'; an ardent hater of The Carpenters; and above all, the greatest all-time fan of Grand Funk Railroad, perhaps America's most-hated band this side of The Eagles.

Describing Grand Funk's musical importance and legacy, Homer states: "Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft."

Now THAT'S how you go down in rock 'n' roll history.

Beginning life in Flint, Michigan, in the power-trio mould of Cream, Grand Funk contained "the wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner; the bone-crushing bass of Mel Schacher; the competent drum work of Don Brewer." For some reason(s) despised and dismissed, they nevertheless sold out Chicago's Shea Stadium quicker than The Beatles, and had a massive #1 hit in 1973 with 'We're An American Band' - a simplistic, middle-American anthem which struck a chord in an era dominated by failure in Vietnam and the post-Watergate downfall of the Office of the Presidency.




But don't listen to me. As Homer would say: "For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library."

Kirsty Almeida

@ Odder Bar, Manchester, 19th May 2009

There really is nothing better than great live music - especially when it is free - and particularly when it is delivered with the passion, relaxed assuredness and talent that Kirsty Almeida and her band bring to the table.

Housed in the "quirky and intimate surroundings of Odder," Almeida's music and vocals perfectly fill the room and wrap themselves around the packed crowd. It is jazz, it is soul and blues, but via Parisian Walkways, Las Ramblas and the Caribbean. Backed by a string quartet, a 3-piece horn section, guitars, keyboards and even a steel drum, Almeida's 'sound' will hopefully give the corporate bods a real headache when trying to pigeon-hole her into a particular category.

And she is all the better for it. Perfect for a slot on Jools Holland, for example, her eclectic mix and variation of influences would be wasted on today's youth, and her band too talented for anyone in the Top 40. Think Amy Winehouse or Corinne Bailey Rae, but with an understanding of the world outside of CD sales figures, and a determination to do her own thing. "This is the story of my life," she announces as an introduction to 'Wrong Mr Right', as the intimacy levels raise just that little bit higher, her eye-contact with the audience members drawing them closer and involving them in the tale.

Born in Gibraltar, but raised in numerous locations around the world, Almeida seems to have absorbed every style of music that has passed her ears, and is now giving it back to the masses in her own way. She has the sound of an artist that has honed her craft, paid her dues and pursued her own path.

She is undoubtedly a great talent, and is highly recommended by yours truly. See for yourself, and catch her live as soon as you can:

http://www.myspace.com/almeidagirl

Anarchy In The J-O-B

Long have been the discussions about what is Punk, and when was Punk. For most, the Sex Pistols instantly spring to mind, and the image of spotty, unclean youths in late 1970s Britain, pogo-ing en masse in clubs and gobbing on one another. Spiked, multi-coloured hair and safety pins through ears and noses. Ripped denim and Sticking It To The Man.

As a musical movement - while the Sex Pistols again stand as the poster boys - general consensus will take you via The Clash, The Damned, The Ramones, Iggy and The Stooges, and T-Rex even. After all, You Won't Fool the Children of the Revolution. There will also be cases made for the inclusion of legends like Bob Dylan and Bob Marley, due to the evocation of a protest mentality so prevalent in their work.

It is a tricky one to pin down. Defined as "the defiance of social norms of behaviour," and musically involving "abusive or violent protest lyrics," Punk can be anti-establishment, anti-authoritarian, anarchic and anti-societal. It would seem, therefore, that it can come from anywhere.

As a case in point, look at the following lyric excerpts:

"I swear sometimes that man is out to get me"

"It's all takin' and no givin'

They just use your mind

And you never get the credit"

"It's a rich man's game

No matter what they call it

And you spend your life

Puttin' money in his wallet"

There are undeniable hints of anger, protest, a dissatisfaction with life as it is........a Punk Mentality, no doubt. Yet the artist behind these words, venomously spitting out her oral assault, is none other than country icon Dolly Parton, singing her 1980 #1 hit single '9 To 5'.

Let's face it, we all know the song, though that knowledge usually stretches only as far as the sing-along chorus. And that is the major point. This is Punk in its finest, a savage criticism on behalf of the common masses about Those In Charge, sitting as they do in their luxurious idleness while the workers graft away on their behalf for little or no reward.

And nobody even realises it!!

She could have changed the world, could Dolly. But that chorus was just too damn catchy.

Random Friday Ponderings

Why do dogs enjoy so much the simple act of sticking their head out of a moving car window?!

Is it the smell of the breeze? Unlikely in these parts, surrounded as we are by chemical and industrial plants at one end, and the local sewage treatment works at the other.

Is it the feeling of the wind in the face, perhaps, tingling the senses and creating some sense of canine euphoria?

Or could it be - as occurred to me this afternoon when presented with such a scene on the road - that the whipping of the wind through furry, flappy dog ears, at city-based speeds of 23-38 miles-per-hour, could create within the little pooch brains the sound of some grand orchestral magnificence?! Can you imagine! There we have the mental anguish of Beethoven, deaf to his own brilliance, and yet along comes Spot in his suped-up Vauxhall Nova, and *BAM* - a cacophony of instruments and timbre and pitch to rival the greatest symphonies known to man.



Just imagine. Woof.

Dig For Your Own Soul

As an 80s child, I was part of the generation that witnessed the flourishing and constant improvement of home computers and games consoles. The boom of the latter in particular - from C64's to Gameboys to Mastersystems to Super NES's - was such that every kid I knew, and possibly that existed, was immersed in arcade dimensions away from the real world.

As it turned out, I was (am!) absolutely shocking at most computer games, and gave up trying soon after the craze caught on. No sooner had I learned how to punch in Street Fighter II, than I had developed thumb-lock and was routinely being super-cosmic-sonic-boomed by my opponents. It was not for me.

You would think, therefore, that I would loath all forms of computerised gaming, but recently things have changed - or should I say, new respect has been afforded. While I am yet to play them, titles such as Guitar Hero, Rock Band and the Grand Theft Auto series are playing a major part in musically educating the younger generations by including 'classic' tracks as integral elements of the gaming experience. Slash, the iconic G&R/Velvet Revolver legend, recently recounted an anecdote in which a pre-teen child approached him after recognising him as the cartoon guitarist on the cover of Guitar Hero. The kid even asked him if he could actually play real guitar! "Why yes, sonny, I've been known to throw out a lick or two."

What these games are doing, by awakening newer generations to the possibility of life outside of Britney Spears and the Top 40 Chart, is ensuring the longevity of great music, and inspiring more and more people into the great art of Music Investigation. Too often do people sit on their fat backsides, waiting for the various forms of media to tell them which music is good, and what they should buy. And in the online world of Amazon and eBay, it is becoming rarer to buy music in person, where you could walk into a shop and talk - yes, talk! - to someone about your tastes, and be recommended towards other artists and sounds.

I stand by Investigation as the path to purity. Had I not read an article on Frank Zappa when I was 16, it is unlikely that I would have ever come across his music, let alone bee-lined for the nearest record store and bought any of his albums. That, in turn, subsequently led me to Captain Beefheart, whose Clear Spot album now ranks among my favourites. I found Cream because I read that - before his later drivel, like 'Tears In Heaven' - Eric Clapton used to be in a blues-rock power trio in the 1960s. Sunshine for MY investigative love. Hell, how many people have just discovered the world of Northern Soul purely due to the use of Don Thomas' 'Come On Train' in the recent Visa ads (where the guy dances through the streets on crutches).

That these tracks and artists still gain exposure is of great importance, but also is the willingness to dig a little deeper once something of interest has been discovered. Working backwards can prove a revelation. Modern day Paul Weller fans could discover The Jam, for instance. Just imagine hearing 'Town Called Malice' or 'Going Underground' suddenly for the first time, what a rush! And the best part of it is that you would have earned that moment, because you did the groundwork. The record companies put a lot of time and effort into subverting the masses towards their artists for the sole factor of money. Don't take the guff from those swine, do it yourself and the possibilities are endlessly more enjoyable.

How else would I know about 'Evelyn, A Modified Dog' or that 'Nowadays a Woman's Gotta Hit a Man'?!